Furie’s Methadone Smoothie

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Why a Methadone Smoothie? Because from the instant we saunter out of the womb we’re all raving sugar addicts, hooked on that sweet white powder. Furie’s Methadone Smoothie will help wean you off your sugar cravings, and in no time at all you’ll notice the sweetness in real food again and be able to resist the siren call of cookies, cupcakes, and chocolate croissants.

Feel free to indulge in a Methadone Smoothie any time you have an urge for something sweet, especially when you’re first starting to cut down on your sugar consumption. They’re good for a quick and easy breakfast, a snack, or an after dinner dessert. I’d recommend that you eventually try not to have more than one a day, as the Methadone Smoothie is so tasty and convenient you may be tempted to drink all your meals. As grown ups we should try to eat solid food. But if you gots the shakes something awful and the Methadone Smoothie is the only thing standing between you and a pound bag of peanut M&Ms, don’t hesitate to fire up the blender (sadly M&M’s are not an acceptable ingredient in the Methadone Smoothie).

First we’ll start with a brief overview of portion sizes—which are not really all that important. Fat loss and muscle gain have more to do with what you eat; how much you eat only enters into it when sugars and starches are involved. What this translates to regarding the portion sizes I’ve laid out means you can feel free to exceed the protein and fat measurements, but not the sugar and starch. We’re trying to reset your insulin levels to get them as low as possible, which will enable you to access your stores of body fat for fuel.

What this means for the Methadone Smoothie is DO NOT CUT THE FAT in an attempt to reduce calories! You will just get hungry later and be tempted to reach for the donuts. Getting your sugar cravings under control can take weeks or months, so give yourself time to adjust and don’t set yourself up for failure early on by trying to starve yourself.

INGREDIENTS:

2 palms of protein = 2 scoops vanilla protein powder

If you’re not into protein powders this can be a little daunting. There are all sorts on the market and each one proclaims its superiority to the others. Generally whey protein powders are easily absorbed by the body, unless you have a specific intolerance to milk proteins. Lactose intolerance shouldn’t be an issue (I’m lactose intolerant myself) since most whey protein powders are free of lactose. There are also vegetarian protein powders, usually hemp based, if that’s more your style. Just avoid soy proteins—they’re difficult for humans to digest, are among the more heavily processed foods, and can have adverse hormonal side effects.

2 fists of veggies = 2 handfuls of baby spinach

It may sound unappealing, but just toss it in the blender. It’s good for you, and you won’t even taste it.

1 fist fruit = 1 handful of frozen mixed berries

Sometimes these can be expensive, depending on where you buy them. I’ve found the store brands at Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s to be the cheapest (around $3 a pound). Other places charge as much as $8 for half a pound of berries, so to hell with them.

1 palm of fat = 2 tablespoons of almond butter

If you want three tablespoons, go for it. You can also substitute peanut butter, cashew butter, or whatever you like. If you’re allergic to nuts, try half an avocado. It might sound weird, but it’s creamy and delicious. A couple of tablespoons of coconut oil is also a good alternative.

Misc = almond or coconut milk (however much you need to get the blender going smoothly).

Look at the nutrition label and buy the kind with the least amount of sugar, which is usually the the carton that says “unsweetened,” but not always.

PREPARATION:

Throw it all in a blender and push the button until it looks like a smoothie. Drink it straight from the blender or pour it in a glass if you’re more housebroken than I am.

FURIE’S METHADONE SMOOTHIE DON’TS:

Don’t use juice. Don’t use soy milk. Don’t add sugar, or honey, or agave, or any other natural or artificial sweeteners. And no bananas. If you find yourself out of almond or coconut milk, use water. It’s not as tasty, but it’s still pretty good.

2 comments on “Furie’s Methadone Smoothie

  1. liliventals@hotmail.com says:

    I have to admit, that looks delicious. I guess the chocolate oat cookies I’m munching don’t count? I’ll be really impressed if you can find me an alternative to Mark West.

    Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone

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